No days off.

About 3-4 years ago, I worked at least 3 jobs at a time. 1 Full-Time and 2 Part-Time, with a few side jobs going on plus Full-Time school at 2 different schools in between everything.

"Damn, girl, you went Jamaican on me," says Ronald.

Damn, like that Ron? -_- Apparently he meant that i work hella jobs. I wasn't trying to "make ends meet" per say. It was more like i was just tryna hustle my heart out.

"a day off" was nonexistent in my world at the time ... and here we go again.

I feel like i work 2+ jobs again .. with school in between, of course. A part of me wonders why i went back and while i'm studying, i remember why -- i'm just tryna hustle and make a life for myself.

The struggle is real.

I don't know what days off mean anymore .. i don't know what "me time" means anymore. It's sad and unfortunate to some of you, but here's the way i look at it: one day, it'll all pay off.

Just like my hard work 3 years ago paid off, this will too. I'm only 28, i have a whole life ahead of me. I've realized that it's never too late to pursue things you want to do in life, no matter what your age, it will always be possible. We live in a world now where you can be 55 in a college classroom with kids that are half your age. I believe in constantly improving yourself, there's no age limit on self-improvement.

Work is getting more and more hectic .. i don't know if that's because i just take my job more seriously than others, but i take pride in what i do and every single time i meet that one client that thanks me for making her day, it reminds me that it's all worth it. In my line of work, you meet a ton of people, from so many different places and backgrounds and every now and then you'll meet someone who you can tell has a lot of *Life* to them. They're my favorites.

There's one particular client who i adore -- she specifically comes in looking for me every time she visits. I've built a great rapport with this client -- she asks about my Mom all the time and shares her life adventures with me. She's become a great friend. Sometimes you just meet those kinds of people who lift your spirits up because they just KNOW that "it be like that sometimes."

"Geez, honey, you never have a day off for yourself. You need that .. at least one."

Shit, you're telling me.

If i'm not at work, i'm taking care of my Mom. If i'm not doing that, i'm studying. If i'm not doing that, i'm with my man, hopefully spending some QT with him if we're not running around doing errands. If i'm not doing any of that, i might be with a friend or two, possibly hanging out. And if i'm not doing that, i'm probably attempting to sleep.

If i'm not doing something, i'm probably doing something else.

There are no days off in my kind of life .. 

But one day ... it will all be worth it.

xoxo,

R.

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WHATiLiKEtoEAT:: Mini Strawberry Cheesecake Bites

Figured it was time to put up a recipe post .. it's been awhile, i know. I made these awhile back during the holidays for a holiday party i was going to with some homies .. they were a hit, so i thought i'd share :)

Of course, i didn't come up with this on my own, so i'm not gonna sit here and take credit for it .. the recipe was adapted from Texas Farmer's Daughter. From my understanding, the recipe is nothing new -- in fact, you can find these almost EVERYWHERE online, just google it. Some people made it without the lemon juice and it still came out good -- i personally liked the hint of acidity with the sweetness of the strawberry topping. I also made these with homemade strawberry topping to avoid it being too sweet (and for my diabetic Mommy) and it was even better. Use your imagination, you really can't go wrong with this recipe, i promise.

Oh, Pinterest, you never fail me. :)

Mini Strawberry Cheesecake Bites

Recipe adapted from Texas Farmer's Daughter

yummayyyyy ...

These will be the majority of your ingredients .. but for those of you who "need" it, here goes .. 

What You'll Need:

• 2 8oz pkgs of cream cheese (softened to Room Temp)
• 3/4 cup of Sugar
• 3 (large) eggs
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
• 1 tbsp lemon juice (freshly squeezed, if you can!)
• Dash or 2 of lemon zest (optional)
• Mini Nilla Wafers (REGULAR! none of that LowFat shit..)
• 1 can pie filling of your choice (Strawberry is always a winner)

Side Note(s)

• You can either use store bought filling or make your own. For simplicity's sake, just buy it to save time and make it semi-homemade, but if you're like me and it has to special, make your own. It allows you to get creative. I'm dying to try this with a mango pie filling!! .... i'm half Filipina, so sue me! ;)
• Don't gyp yourself and use LowFat Nilla wafers .. you'll regret it. 9 times outta 10, the wafers float to the top, hahaha. You will find yourself in an epic bakers' fail, you noob. =P
• Your choice on cream cheese is up to you -- TFD recommended LowFat cream cheese, but i used regular for that rich cream cheese flavor. I can also see this being great with mascarpone cheese, which is basically italian cream cheese -- although i don't think it will solidify as well as regular cream cheese because it's lighter. Experiment .. see what works for you :) Just make sure it's at ROOM TEMPERATURE or your filling will be lumpy/curdly. No bueno!
• I encourage you to experiment with the "extract" part of it -- i tried it with coffee extract and it was amazinnnngggg with a caramel or chocolate filling instead of fruit. LOVE. I'd even give Almond extract a whirl, Almond and Milk just go together sometimes ...

What to Do:

• Fill a mini cupcake pan with mini liners and put your mini wafers in with the mounded side up (obvi -- the flat side has to be on the bottom, right?)

• Put all your ingredients together: cream cheese, sugar, extract of your choice, eggs, lemon juice and the lemon zest, if you chose to use it.

• Cream everything together with an electric mixer until silky smooth -- no lumps!!

• Fill your cupcake liners to about 3/4 full, as you would normal cupcakes .. these will puff up and then die down with a dip in the middle, so don't be afraid if you accidentally overfill it. (I did a little over 3/4 full and they turned out just fine.)
• Bake @ 350 degrees for about 18-20 min.

•  Allow them to cool before you fill them ... I stuck mine in the fridge for a bit to let them set.

 Bon Appetit!! :)

In the past, i put up a post on Cheesecake-Filled Strawberries if you're looking for a slightly healthier alternative to this .. You can check that out here. Either way you choose, they're both bomb. :)

xoxo, 

R.

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Life is harder than words ..

I owe you guys so many blog posts, it's not even funny ...

One, my laptop has a mind of its own .. 2, i'm so caught up with school, work, family and my relationship that i'm just playing this balancing act right now ..

We have this phrase at work, where we say "Words are hard..." -- usually we say it when we're having a super hard day and just can't manage to say the right thing anymore cuz we're so brain dead and tired ... One day, i came up with a new one when someone asked how i was doing ...

Caline: Hey girl .. how are you? I've missed you!
Me: Girl .. life is harder than words, let me tell you!
Caline: damn, that bad huh..? and i thought words were hard ...

Nah, girl .. LIFE IS HARD.

Not that i'm mad about it or anything .. i'm just saying. I feel like God is testing me.. but as i told my brother the other day .. although Life is hard and difficult and stressful and i have a lot of long and/or bad days ... i feel like it all still makes sense .. and surprisingly, i'm still HAPPY.

Yes. Through all the bullshit, i'm still HAPPY.

That's the trick, you guys. You have to remember that even though Life can be a struggle, it is indeed a "beautiful struggle," as they say.

I'm tired and i'm stressed the fukk out... but it doesn't stop me from hustling.

Everything is right in my world, despite how chaotic it is right now .. and i'm learning that this is just how my life is supposed to be for me right now .. i have come to terms with everything in my life so that i can build the strength to deal with it all and face it, rather than running from it.

I am known for going thru different phases in my life .. just like a true Scorpio, i will shed many skins in my lifetime .. this is nothing different.

If there is one major piece of advice i could give all of you, it would be to stay strong through everything God puts you through. Whether it be good or bad, it's supposed to happen that way. You have the power to control how you deal with it and, should you choose to accept the challenges Life hands to you, you also have the power to fight through everything and become a better person.

I apologize for being MIA ... but it's hard out here for a pimp!

miss you guys...!!!

xoxo,
R.

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3 weeks later .. all is right in my world again. :)

[12.16.12]
Doomsday.

I decided to text you first, just to let you know i was still "there." I was glad to hear back from you that you were still there too. You said what you had to say. I said what i had to say. You'll work on things and so will i. We both have shit we need to work on. Do we agree that we're both in this for the long run?

Thank you for keeping your promise -- you promised we'd always work shit out til we couldn't anymore. This will be hard, but we have to be there for each other ...

Thank mother-effin-GOD. All is right in my world again ...


[12.23.12]
Another 7 days.

Things are ... different. I know things don't happen overnight .. and i've spent the past 7 days simply just happy to have you back in my life again .. that was more important to me than anything. I just feel like we've spent the past 7 days getting used to each others' presence again. And i don't feel like it's really going anywhere ..

7 days of reconnection.

I feel like we won't get back to that place .. but i'm trying .. i feel like you aren't .. you're still dwelling .. snap out of it already!!


[12.24 to 26.12]
Thank you for the best Christmas gift EVER. :)


[12.30.12]
14 days down .. how many more to go?

I feel that you're "here" .. but i don't feel like we've reconnected yet ... i feel as though we are just not ... i don't know ... it's not the same.

What can i do to fix this?! Ugh, you have to meet me halfway here .. TALK TO ME, dammit .. you said you'd start talking to me more .. and opening up. Am i doing something wrong?

It's hard when you feel disconnected from someone you care for .. you almost feel as though it's not worth fighting for anymore. I'm trying to figure out what it is .. and i'm trying so hard to be here for you. I am really working my ass off over here .. and i'm not trying to rush you -- but i'm over here doin' the most trying to make shit work .. why aren't you doing the same for me??

Ugh, always so difficult, YOU.


[01.06.12]
3 weeks later ...

I am happy we're in a different place now .. Thank you for talking to me .. for opening up to me .. i know these things don't happen overnight .. and i am not trying to rush you .. but i want this to work .. so please stop dwelling and don't make me light your ass on fire .. cuz i will! :)

We are not only in a different place .. we are in a better place .. we found the spark again .. we figured it out together .. and that was all i needed. :)

Thank you.

I have never been so thankful and relieved at the same time .. God, you came through for me this time .. you are truly testing my patience!


xoxo
-R.

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Day 7: The waiting game ... Fool me ONCE, shame on YOU. Fool me TWICE? Shame on ME.

"Ohh, Love, oh Love .. stop making a fool of me..."

My anxiety is at an all-time high by Day 7. I feel like my heart is gonna jump outta my chest and run away and never come back ... ugh, it hurts. Literally and figuratively speaking.

Today i'm playing the waiting game ...

I am doing everything in my power to be patient and relinquish control and show you how much i love you by giving you your space and letting you do your thing -- even though you left me high and dry with no explanations ... ahem. I'm not bitter. Not at all.

Okay, maybe a little. We'll be talking about that someday though, if not later.

It is hard for me to be understanding -- i have never gone this far to show someone i care for them. I have done some drastic, out-of-the-norm shit before .. but we're talking romance, not drastic shit like BE PATIENT and RELINQUISH CONTROL. And that may not seem all that drastic to you, but do you know how hard that is for someone that is IMPATIENT and a CONTROL FREAK?

You have no idea.

This speaks volumes of me, believe me. I have never done this for anyone before, i can promise you that. This is a first for me .. just like all this is new for you.

This is how much i care about this. This is how much i love you.

Are you gonna show me you love me back? Or is this the 7th day to FOREVER?

I will give you time before i contact you. The ball is in your court regardless. You told me you weren't leaving, but yet i feel as if you did. You owe me a hell of an explanation, buddy.

HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOU.

It's the least you could do.

... i'm going crazy trying to figure it out on my own ...

I am preparing myself to lose you -- i once gave advice to one of my best friends when he was going through a break-up with my other best friend ... TOUCHE, i know. But i told him that even though he is fighting with all his might to keep her -- he must also prepare to lose her. We, as humans, are never prepared for the inevitable. We take life, people and things for granted. We never know what curveball life will throw at us -- even though we know people, you just never know. I told him that he had to be prepared to lose her because it will be less of a shock and less of a heartache for him if it ever happens.

I should listen to my own advice. I'll fight for you .. and i'll fight for you hard ... but i am also gonna prepare myself for the worst. I need to take care of myself too. I love you .. but i also love myself. And i need to look out for myself because no one else will. I have to be strong and i have to have my own back.

That being said ... if i lose you tonight .. i will cry .. and it will hurt .. but i'll be okay. Because at least i know i tried. I want a chance to try even harder for you, but i can't do anything if you don't want to give me that chance ... The ball is in your court.

I am sure that i want this -- but you must be sure too. We have to be in this together ...

Are we in this together?

xoxo
-R.

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Day 6: Officially Missing You

I hope this is hurting you as much as it is hurting me ...

At this point, i don't know what else to say except I MISS YOU.

I'm spending "empty" moments of my day reminiscing about everything and it just makes me miss you even more. I'm missing the good times .. and it motivates me to work through the bad times.

Do you feel the same way?

I hope so.

I could live without you .. i just don't want to.

Can we get through this? Are we gonna be able to work this out? Are you with me here or have you checked out already?

You told me once before "if i didn't care, i wouldn't even be stressin' over this."

You're right .. if you didn't care, you wouldn't care about how this all makes you feel, you'd just say FUKK IT.

So okay .. i'm acknowledging that .. YOU CARE.

Well, SO DO I.

Hurry up already .. this last day is killing me!

Tomorrow is Day 7 ... 1 more whole day until we figure this shit out.

This is the slowest countdown ever known to man ......

I spent most of my day catching up on some of my favorite TV shows -- one of them being Gossip Girl. I pretty much watched the whole current season all in one sitting.

How do Chuck and Blair do it? (Chuck is my favorite, by the way) How do Dan and Serena do it? They could go through the worst of the worst and still love each other after it. They could manipulate each other, betray each other, cheat on each other, fight with each other -- but still .. they love each other. Even Serena and Blair -- what a friendship. All the shit they've been through and still, they're best friends. Look at Chuck and Nate -- same shit. Lonely boy -- same shit. They all hate him, yet they are still his friend somehow.

Does that kinda shit just exist on the Upper East Side?!

Can that shit exist here too, though?! Dammit.

I would say i want what they have, but that would mean i would have to accept all the conniving and vindictive behavior. So let me be clear .. I want what those upper east siders have WITHOUT the vindictive shit. I'll take the drama though -- that's normal and that's life. But minus all the bullshit, that's more of what i want. That unconditional love for one another that surpasses any amount of drama life could throw at them. They value each other, even when they're busy de-valuing each other. Though they may backstab each other and fukk up each others' lives -- they still love each other. Talk about unconditional!

I was watching a movie the other night, "The Marriage Chronicles" -- it's one of those independent films i suppose and it' s very similar to Tyler Perry's "Why Did I Get Married?" but with more deeper rooted issues. How these 3 couples live through their relationships, i have no idea. I could relate to all of them in different ways -- but really it's about people making it through relationships alive and being able to surpass things together, no matter what the cost. It's about people who change and evolve and are getting one last chance to work on their marriage. They care THAT much .. it's THAT important. Some of the couples, god, their problems were fukn terrible. If that were me, i'd go insane. So when i think about the issues i have in my personal relationships, i suppose i have something to be thankful for -- it's not that bad. Some people have it much worse than i do.

And it does make me think about how much me and this person can really go through together -- how much longer we'll stick together to work shit out because i wonder how much can you sit there loving someone with all the crap they put you through?

Oh yeah ... LOVE, you say.

I used to always say LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. I used to rhyme and reason with myself about relationships that you need more than love. And what i mean by that, is that i mean you need things like TRUST. STABILITY. REASSURANCE. UNDERSTANDING. Shit like that. But the older i get and the more i figure out and sort through my personal relationships with people, i realize why people stick together for so long -- it's simply one reason and one reason only: THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.

Friend, family member, significant other -- it's all the same. If you love someone, they are a priority to you. Doesn't matter what # you are on their list of important people, you're just one of them and you're IMPORTANT to them. One way or another, they will find a way to be there for you. And if you love them back .. you will be patient enough to wait.

"I don't care how you get to me -- just get to me."

You learn to accept people as they are because you love them unconditionally. They could put you through the worse shit in the world and you would still love them.

Yeah .. i want that.

Everybody has their "thing" -- i am slowly acknowledging that this is just YOUR thing. You and this bottling-shit-up thing. Although it's unhealthy and i'm going to ask you, as your friend, to work on it, i understand you now .. much better than i did before. If this will always be your thing and you choose not to change it (because it's up to you to change, you can always choose not to if you believe this is just what works for you), i will just have to accept it as it is and work around it. I don't like it and it fukks things up a lot between you and your relationships with people, but if you're gonna be one of those who are set in your ways and choose not to change for the better, then that will have to be a choice i need to accept and respect. I'm not happy about it, but i have to find a way to be patient and understanding with you ... because i love you.

That being said -- if you are allowed to do as you please? So am i. I don't want to hear any complaints about how i am and my bad habits if you refuse to work on your shit. You are going to have to be just as accepting as i am. The last episode i watched of GG, Blair was telling Dorota how Chuck just does his thing when he's moping -- he's stuck in his own little Chuck world doing Chuck things until he gets his shit together and she leaves him alone to do so because she knows Chuck loves her and will contact her when he's ready. She just goes off and does her own thing.

Hmm ... some food for though there. I know men can be complicated, but sweet baby Jesus, c'mon now. You're not as bad as Chuck are you?! Please say it ain't so.

If it is, i will be your Blair. I'll put up with your shit. But he puts up with her shit too. LOL. So does Serena. And Blair puts up with Serena's shit as well. They all just manage to put up with each others' shit.

Not that i want to be like the upper east siders -- i almost feel like they lack so much compassion and consideration for one another -- but using them as a reference for my personal affairs sort of helps put things more in perspective for me.

Day 6 was harder than i expected ... I am still miserable .. and i am still going insane thinking myself to death.

I am officially missing you ... 

xoxo
-R.

P.S.: Day 7 ... you promised.

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Day 5: Understanding .. but don't you ever do this shit to me again!

I woke up this morning with the urgency to shake this anxiety .. that meant i needed an explanation. If you couldn't give it to me, i was gonna have to figure something out .. and that i did.

Talking with one of my best friends today put things even deeper in perspective for me. It helps to see the other side of the spectrum, ya know. I had to talk to someone who knew this person -- everyone i've been talking to have been people who don't really know this person. So in all fairness .. i just had to know. Part of the reason i'm so goddamn anxious is because i was left with no explanation. So i ended up with a shit ton of questions that needed answers.

I've come to the conclusion the following things:
- i have a temper problem
- i lack patience
- i overanalyze shit
- i'm a control freak

Shit .. tell me something i don''t know about myself! I'm not asking you about ME, i'm asking you about THEM!

I luckily got the answer(s) i was looking for. That being said, i am beginning to understand you and how/why we ended up here. I am beginning to understand the way you are ...

We both have things we need to work on .. as people .. but here's the thing .. are we gonna work it out? Or are we gonna throw this shit away?

For me, i feel that people are gonna have to change for the better in order for things to get better. That applies to all things in life, not just friendships/relationships. You must be prepared for change and be able to accept change because that's just Life. We, as humans, naturally evolve. We get stronger, we are more aware, we are more in control .. we grow up -- we mature. You learn something new about yourself almost every day .. well, most of us do. If you haven't -- which i can tell you haven't -- that's why you have this issue. I, for one, don't like change unless it was a decision of my own to make the change. People don't change unless they truly want to -- some people are perfectly content with themselves and believe their shit don't stank.

Nah, your shit stank, bruh.

I have no problem changing for someone so long as it is for the better. If it will benefit me and the relationship, what do i have to lose? I am very well aware of the things i need to change to become a better person ... do you? Are we gonna compromise?

That's all i need .. is a compromise. I would never ask you to be someone you're not. You have every right to be who you are. But if you could use some self-improvement ..? Let me be one of the first to tell you how much you need it in your life. Because self-discovery is JUST that important -- i am strong because I KNOW MYSELF. I am confident because I KNOW MYSELF. I am sure of myself. You need some of that. Just a little.

You say you feel as though your feelings are inadequate and that you're not being heard. But yet you never talk to me?? You say i never consider your feelings, yet i put your feelings before my own.

Remember when you got sick? I spent days coming over, bringing you food, massaging your back, bringing you medicine, staying with you til you fell asleep ....

Not that i'm keeping tally or anything ...

.. but i am good to you too. And i do things for you without you asking me to .. because i love you.

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

Everything i do for you, i do because I LOVE YOU. 

You hear me?? I LOVE YOU! Get that through your head! 

When you care about people, their feelings matter more than your own. So sometimes you have your momentary lapses when you want your feelings to fukn matter too. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is. This is a no-brainer. Friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, family members -- it's all the same. When you love someone -- friend, significant other or your mother, for example -- their feelings are more important and their happiness becomes your happiness. That being said, I have put your feelings before my own plenty a time. Every change i get, i always show you somehow how much i care and/or appreciate your presence in my life .. yet still .. your feelings are "insignificant."

Hmph. Stubborn ass.

This is your ego talking ...

.... but i won't kick you when you're down. I learned my lesson with that the hard way. It's part of what got us here to begin with. But put your pride down .. for me.

You say you want to be heard .... but you never talk. SPEAK UP! Speak up if you want to be heard!

Closed mouths don't get fed ... 

... just sayin'.

If you speak up, i will hear you. But if you say nothing? You get nothing.

"What I need from you is understanding .. How can we communicate if you don't hear what i say? So simple as 1,2,3 .. understanding is what we need."

I get what i want because I TELL YOU. Learn to communicate with me! We need to learn to fight better ... SMH. We suck at it.

I am trying very hard to understand, but you don't leave me much to work with.

However, I understand why you are the way you are now. Why you bottle shit up .. and implode. You were that kid who shook the soda bottle, tried to open it, realized what it would do and then ran away like a scared lil' boy.

Seriously ...?

You practically frustrate yourself -- it's not all me. I see how I WOULD frustrate you with certain things .. but this part of your frustration is not my responsibility and/or fault. You are hurting yourself by letting it build up. You say you keep shit to yourself to avoid conflict .. so can you blame me for acting based on what i don't know about you? I'm not a fukn mind reader! If something bothers you, SAY SO. Don't make me dig for that shit!

Marsa says this is a hard thing to change .. she's struggling with it herself. So i am gaining insight from talking to her. Again, i reiterate, CLOSED MOUTHS DON'T GET FED. If you want to be heard, you must speak up. You must get my attention. You must be strong enough to fight back -- don't let people step all over you. All of those emotions will kill you, i can promise you that with confidence.

I see that this is just the way you deal with things .. hermits do things best when they're alone. That's fine .. i will respect that .. but you damn sure ain't doin this shit to me again, buddy. You are NOT allowed to leave and cut out like that agian. That is not allowed. You better face your problems!

Me, i'm more expressive. That's why i look like the bitch. Because you never say anything and i always do. But if you always said something like i did .. you'd be just like me... and you'd get what you want. I have told you that you need to express yourself more .. You can't complain about not being heard or your feelings not being considered if nobody knows how you feel. And they don't know cuz you don't say anything! How can you be mad at me for not caring about your feelings when you don't tell me how you feel?!? I am not a mind reader goddammit!

How would you feel if the script was flipped? I am trying to understand your feelings without talking to you but do you see how difficult this is? I am trying to be in your shoes.. All negative shit aside, I completely understand where you are coming from and why you feel the way you feel.. But in all fairness? You were partly responsible for this. You brought this imploding shit on yourself. this is what you get for bottling shit in. It hurts you. And it hurts me. So nobody wins and we end up somewhere bad, like where we are now. how are we gonna fix shit now? I am taking credit for what I did wrong and what I was outta pocket for, but you must do the same. Understand the consequences of your actions and take responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge that you have things you need to work on... And I will do the same.

Nobody is perfect.. Just be YOU. And progress to being a BETTER you everyday ..

Day 5 didn't go down as planned. I'm still dwelling .. my plans for Day 6 don't seem like they're gonna pan out either, but i'm hoping for the best.

One day closer ... 

"I know that you're trying. You just keep on smiling and everything passes with time. Cause LOVE brings CHANGE." 

This, too, shall pass ..

... and i am ready to face these changes and challenges head on ...

... are you?

xoxo
-R.

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